One thing I know: The lowest times in our lives can make the wildest stories.

From hair-stand-up scary to gut-wrenching to just plain weird, I spent one year in the hallowed halls of an establishment higher ups seemed to give up on.

Without further adieu, below are just a few of the 8926282 tales from behind the counter. Cheers!

1. About when … I got someone banned from the store for almost punching me in the face.

If you’ve ever worked in a liquor store, you probably have at least 5-30 confrontations a shift. That’s just par for the course, no matter how good of an employee you are. People “forget” their IDs, bring expired ones, show up too drunk, try to steal, verbally/sexually harass you. All the things. 

But this time? A fully grown man got real close and shoved his finger in my face. He called me a lot of four-letter names because I thought he was asking for a pint of Courvoisier when he really wanted a half pint. 

I didn’t even know what he said at first. I carried on with my half-octave higher customer service voice, and a manager I won’t identify stopped dead in his tracks from up in the manager’s booth. He was from the Bronx, in his mid-40s, and did. not. play. These men went toe-to-toe. Everything is a blur now, but you know it’s bad when even in the location you’re at, the boss who’s seen it all goes so hard to defend you.

2. About when … a homeless man in a wheelchair failed to steal a handle of Jack Daniel’s in his pants.

He came in a lot. Always said “today would be the day I do it.” In hindsight, I never should have sold him anything. But I did, usually a half pint of store brand 100 proof vodka. And like most addicts, he came in two more times every 8-hour shift. 

But one day, he didn’t come straight to the counter. He wheeled himself right to the stack of 1.75L Jack Daniel’s, proclaiming “TODAY! IS! THE! DAY!” Add a few expletives. Once he was by the counter, my on-shift manager (different from above) reached right over, slammed the bottle down in front of him, and told the old man to leave. He came back the next day — back for his store brand vodka. So it goes.

3. About when … GASPARILLA. 

You think New Year’s is busy? Hurricane parties? Kid’s play. For Gasparilla — I believe one of the largest, if not the largest parade in the U.S. — the line wraps in and out of all the aisles. It’s busy. And it brings on the wackos.

We weren’t allowed to sell minors anything in the store, even a soda. So no ID, no sale. No exceptions. I had a mixed-race couple come through my line. The guy didn’t have his ID. When I reiterated the policy because I didn’t want him to be a mystery shopper and get fired over a bottle of Coke, the couple left in a huff. Their cart had probably $800 in product we had to put back.

No big deal, right? Wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. Plus, just imagine all the bottles behind the counter from all the declined sales.

What I did NOT expect was when this couple came back wasted 10 minutes before close, and they pulled out countless bottles and scattered them throughout the still-busy store. The off-key soundtrack: insults, hurled.

The store closed at 11. The 4-6 (!!!!!!!!) of us employees working all day from 8 AM – 11 PM didn’t get home till probably 2 AM. And I had a LONG Google review waiting for me the next morning. 

So uh, those 1-star reviews? Sometimes you’ve gotta consider the source. And if by this point you’re thinking, “why didn’t you call the police?” We could’ve. They would’ve shown up 8 million years later, if at all. No matter how many times we begged for a police presence on the weekends, “it’s just too expensive.”

4. About when … someone dropped their pants and urinated in front of the register.

Honestly, no explanation needed. It is what it is. I think he was buddies with the old guy who lived on the sidewalk next to the store. The one who claimed to be Condoleezza’s Rice’s husband. It makes me sad to think of how once upon a time, these men with severe mental illness were babies with mamas who (hopefully) held them with love and hope the day they were born.

5. About when … a regular wanted to throw me a baby shower when I still didn’t know I was pregnant.

First of all, I loved this guy. He was my favorite. His wife died in a fire — we heard a lot of those stories — and that’s when he picked up drinking. His regular drink was a pint of Popov or store brand 80 proof vodka. And when I turned to get it one day, he said, “well shoot, mami! I didn’t know you was pregnant!” 

Well, neither did I! And I wouldn’t find out for another couple months! But he got so excited for me, he said he’d bring a few of the other regulars in to throw a mini baby shower right in the middle of the store on a Wednesday morning. Can you imagine? Imagine walking in to that, haha! What would they give me? I never would find out. I (incorrectly) denied it. It’s wild how he was the only one who ever said anything. Everyone else just said he was crazy.

6. About when … a girl accidentally showed me her real ID.

She was a “cool” girl. Rolled her eyes with a “really?” after I asked for identification. And wouldn’t you know! She shoved her ID in my face. The one that said she was 14. This was the middle of a weekday, and I told her to leave. To which she replied, “wait, that’s not my real ID! It’s THIS one!” The one with her same picture, listed as 22. She laminated a copy of her ID with the birth year altered. Ai yai yai … some kids had awful to convincing fakes. This one was my favorite.

7. About when … Captain Morgan Man came to visit the suburbs.

Okay, okay. This story takes place at a thriving location that still exists. But it’s my favorite. I can’t NOT share it!

We had a guy ever-so-confidently walk right up to the 1.75L bottles of vodka, grab one, opened it, and glug glug glug it standing like Captain Morgan before anyone could process what was happening. 

Now if that isn’t bold enough, he swiped his hand across a long shelf of vodka so ALL. THE. PRODUCT. crashed down. Imagine the smell of a vodka river. Now add a row of the top shelf bourbon that wasn’t locked in a case. Tons of glass. Tons of liquid. This guy had to be begging for the cops to come take him away. My fear is that jail = a place to stay. Or he was just manic. I don’t know. But man! 

Stories aside, this is my call-to-action.

I got to see people from all walks of life. The tired business men. The walking skeletons with track mark scars. The retirees with nothing better to do. The students. Underage kids. Cooks. Nannies. Housewives. Homeless.

And what I learned?

The most intoxicating thing isn’t a drink. It’s a smile. A kind word. Someone to shut up and be there and listen.

So I challenge you, reader, to listen.

There’s someone out there right now who’s really struggling. With mental illness, addiction, a family member with cancer.

Be there. I had fun sharing these stories. But I’d be willing to bet at least half the people featured wouldn’t be there if they were recognized for the vulnerable human that they are.